I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
