I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
