woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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