You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
