i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
