i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
