Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
