My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
