I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
