I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
