I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
