Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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