I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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