I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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