my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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