Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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