Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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