So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize