life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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