You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
