I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
