I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish you could order shots online.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
