I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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