i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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