I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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