I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
