Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
