Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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