I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
