fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Are we in a gay sports bar?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize