I am full of burrito and curiosity
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
