I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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