i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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