Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
