I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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