These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
