She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
