Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
