Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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