party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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