I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
