Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
