Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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