i jhust puked up my retainher.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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