Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
