I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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