I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
