yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
well you can't waste a boner
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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