he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
