It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
