I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
