Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
