Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
