Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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