The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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