Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
