i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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