All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
