God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
