It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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