It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
