take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
