i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
